So, I for some reason got stuck watching the last few episodes of for the love of Ray J, which is probably one of the dumbest reality tv shows, but afterwards a show called tough love came on.
I mostly get annoyed by the kind of women that end up on reality tv, but can't stop watching. Tough Love is like a tv show boot camp to help woman find themselves and find out what kind of men they need in their lives.. a few of them are completely sex and money crazed, the others are hiding thing sbout themselves. UGH.. Why does society revolve so highly on money, and high society living? I admit once I started making good money, and living on my own, I leaned towards superficial items of value.. I catch myself on it, and have since with a few slip ups here and there.. moved on back to the simplier life I grew up in.
Anyway.. One of my favorite things about life right now is the simplicity of the joy I have when hanging out with Patrick. We go fishing, we go on drives up the dirt trails on the base, we go to the drive ins in Jesup, we lay around the house talking and laughing at each other, we hang out with friends, laugh constantly and enjoy the best things that are coming our way.
Our lives have so much stress in them, to be able to sit and relax and laugh constantly is a small piece of heaven.
I am falling in love with a wonderful man. I am going on 27, have a steady, chaotic stressful job, but its a job.. I live on my own, with all new furniture and things. I have a great truck.. I am truly blessed.. I don't have money in the bank or a savings, but for the most part I am happy.
Anxiety strikes at times, and the stress is constant, and I've had a migraine for the last 5 days, and no matter how much of my medication I take its not helping.. I'm not dehydrated but I am so frustrated with my head!!!
My partner in crime is gone at school for a few weeks, and I miss him completely.
I miss my family.. I'm missing soo much by being gone and living my own life, and at times I regret it.. but what other choices did I have at the time!?! I would be in Texas right now as a nanny still for the Birdsongs, but being a nanny forever wasn't my life.
I wouldn't have been able to leave those boys if I didn't leave when I did. I love children, I loved those kids, but I want my own family.. I don't want to keep throwing myself at other peoples children to make me happy.
Everytime we hang out with the Cottrills, I am throwing myself at the baby, I surround myself with their kids, it makes me completely happy..
I miss my samantha, I've only seen her a few times in her life, and the last time I saw her was the biggest lasting impression thankfully. She knows who I am, she knows I am her aunt and I live far away.. It makes me sad when Lauren and mom and Matthew send me pictures but I am so thankful for those pictures. I want to be a part of her life more.. but I'm limited to the things and places I can do and go. Fort Stewart is a black hole.. a BLACK HOLE..
If I don't re-enlist to get out of here, I'll never leave. But There are so many other things I want to do.. I want to go to school, I might want to change my job.. I want to be happy with the Army.
There are so many changes on the daily that I can't keep up.
I've been thru so many different leaders in the last year its confusings, and stressful.
I dont trust my leadership and I am literally scared and worried to deploy with these soldiers.
I can't trust anyone I feel :( And that worries me, I want to be able to trust my chain of command and I don't without a doubt..
The one person I trust is my PA.. she hasn't led me wrong, she listens to me, I've been there for her, we have a great relationship, but what do I do when she leaves. She's helped me keep my sanity.. she's been there for me..
I have Pat.. and I love Pat.. A lasting future, and solid relationship is building with Pat, but I also need my friends.. and the ones I have are far away, I feel isolated almost!!
I dont' know if I can continue this army dream..
I have 2 yrs and 3 months left on my contract.
I think I am going to stick it out, ETS, and then I am going to GO TO SCHOOL!!
Get in the reserves so I can still have benefits, make some money with my GI Bill, but focus on school, and a possible family.
My divorce is final on May 29th, I can't be happier.
That was probably the stupidest thing I could have done.
I tricked myself into thinking that man was right for me, and It was time for me to get married.
NO.. bad bad bad mistake. He didn't build me up, he brought me down, he never found the right in anything I did, we fought daily.. it was bad.
I changed my orders for him.. WHY!?!
I never had anything good to say about him, and I was embarassed to introduce him to my family, my co workers, my friends. What kind of relationship is that!?
I am looking forward to my birthday this year.. which is a first.
Last year I spent my bday plus two weeks watching a friends son, and shannon bought me chocolate.. haha.. SIGH..
